Sunday, May 24th 2020

all motivation has left my body

It’s really hard to find the motivation for anything right now. The past two weeks have been something else entirely. I feel like I have been holding my breath for a very long time.

Two weeks ago I moved. I was getting tired of renting and really wanted a home of my own. Moving is such a draining ordeal. It took two trips with a moving truck to get everything out of the old place and into the new house. And as much fun as it is to move in general, I was moving during a global pandemic. My family was able to come and help myself and my platonic life partner move into the new house, but we all had to wear masks and keep distance when possible. It was interesting.

Because of the pandemic we have not been able to go into stores and pick out furniture. So the house is still not put together as we are waiting for items to arrive. We have had little hiccups and bumps in the road, but we were making the most of the situation.

Then a torrential downpour hit mid-Michigan and two dams broke. During the rain on Monday, I went down into the basement and noticed the carpet was wet. I realized there was water coming in from one of the basement windows. The window well is too low and it was allowing all this water to build up against the window and it was flowing in. After several frantic calls to local hardware stores I was able to get my hands on eight 60 lb. sandbags to stop the water from coming in. We set up a dehumidifier and used a shop vac to try and dry the carpet as much as we could.

Then on Tuesday, the dams broke. I received 10 emergency alerts on my phone. One of them indicated that my parents needed to evacuate as soon as possible. My parents and their dog Lucy stayed with us for two nights. The whole situation was very frightening. We didn’t know if their house would still be there when they would be allowed to return. Luckily, it was.

Somehow, they only had minimal water damage done to the garage. They were very lucky. A lot of others in the area have lost everything.

It’s been a very trying two weeks. And while I did try to tell myself that it was okay if I wasn’t super productive this weekend, it’s hard to allow myself to feel this way. But I do. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t feel like reading, or watching YouTube or getting things done around the house. I don’t even feel like playing Animal Crossing. What I would like to do, is power-down. I would like to shut my brain off. I think I need more sleep.

Saturday, March 21st 2020


My card pull for the year 2020 was the Strength card and I am starting to understand why. The amount of anxiety and stress I have been dealing with this year is the most I have in my life so far I think. Not only have I been dealing with the stress around my most recent diagnosis and health, but also the stress of trying to buy my first home. And now, COVID-19.

For someone who is already a homebody and an introvert, having a lock-in isn’t such a big deal for the most part. It does, however, make me realize just how many errands I run, even if I don’t really interact with many people. It’s not easy right now to just run to the store to grab cookies, or pop into the library to grab a book on hold.

This virus has completely changed everyone’s way of life and day-to-day. I am now working from home every day. My weekly therapy sessions are now done online through a teleconferencing service. All of my work meetings are through WebEx or Zoom. All of the events I was hosting, including an Ostara ritual, were canceled.

When I have not been working I have been trying to focus on self-care snd also being somewhat creative. I have been playing some games online with friends while using Skype to hang out. Stardew Valley is our game of choice. The new Animal Crossing game arrived yesterday. I have been participating in creative lock-ins hosted by Leena Norms using the Pomodoro Technique to get some writing done. I have been using it to write in my journal, write some blog posts and get some poetry writing done. So if anything, I think self-isolation will be the perfect time to try and revive my blog.

Saturday, November 23rd 2019


I am feeling a bit lost. I am not sure what I meant to be doing. I am not sure what would bring me contentment.

Lost. Missing. Failed. Abandoned. Gone.

Thursday, September 12th 2019

shadow work

25 Heavy-Duty Shadow Work Journal Prompts.

Saturday, September 7th 2019


Whatever that means. All I know is that I am not good at it. And when I try to be deliberate about self-care or self-care routines, I feel like it doesn’t really do anything for me.

I’ve been hearing the term a lot because of this month. Self-care September or Self-love September. I try not to roll my eyes when I hear the term. I know it matters. It’s just all the suggestions of what to do or what routines to start never work for me.

I get too annoyed or bored.

The only self-care activity I can think that I do is when I take time to read. But honestly, it is getting harder and harder to find the time.